Whether in restaurants with wine lists or in the countless BYO restaurants here in NJ (and those of you who live in states/counties/countries that allow patrons to bring his own bottle know just what a BLESSING this actually is!), I cleave to the “less is more” school of wine service. The sommelier or the waiter or waitress should present the wine list (if there is one), answer any questions (if asked) HONESTLY and from a place of real knowledge. If the would be wine server cannot give an informed answer he or she should attempt to get the answer to that question in a timely manner, or simply admit that he/she does not know. Bullshitting, at least for me, is a very frequent and unfortunate mistake made by wine servers in restaurants. I’d rather be angry with myself for taking a chance and losing on a bottle about which I know nothing than have a supposedly knowledgable server give me patently wrong information. Here’s a little illustration of this…On a trip to Spain last summer, my wife and I had just seated ourselves down to what we were expecting to be a great meal at a well-regarded, “gold standard” restaurant in San Sebastian. I am VERY sensitive to the notable presence of oak in the wines that I drink, and for those who drink lots of Rioja, they know that oak is a major component in the traditional examples of these wines. I knew all of this, and of course, 80-90% of the list was some kind of Rioja. So as you might be able to guess, I explained to the server (there was no “sommelier” clearly present in the dining room) what I was trying to avoid, and she pointed out a bottle or two that she thought might appeal to me. So being anything but an expert in Spanish wines, I took her advice. The bottle arrived at the table, and the moment the cork popped from the neck, I could smell oak. I knew that this wine was already doomed to be returned, but I politely choked down the approval sip, and reiterated my dislike of overtly oaky wines. She apologized, and suggested another bottle. She returned with the replacement bottle, pulled the cork, and this one was just as bad if not worse than the first, the reek of new American oak permeating the whole table setting…She was terribly embarassed and I was half embarassed and half pissed-off. As a result of this second gaffe, she brought a third bottle that she assured me would be to my liking, and to make a short story a little longer, while this third bottle was better than the first two, it was still not my cup of tea, but now clearly noting my wife’s near mortification at this entire exchange, I forced a smile and kept the bottle, but needless to say this minor fiasco RUINED what was a good (but not great) meal.

Now with my clear dislike for the oak programs applied to most Rioja wines, the whole selection process was a very difficult if not doomed one from the beginning, but clearly the best case scenario regarding this tense exchange is that the server was so used to HEAVILY oaked Riojas, and was indeed suggesting what were indeed the less oaky selections from the list, i.e. doing her best, but to someone with more of an Italian/French palate like me, her best would never be good enough. The first and largest problem in taking these assumptions as true is the poor range of choices present on the list in the first place - she was negotiating a minefield from the get go, but clearly her broader knowlegde of wine styles was also limited, so much so that to her what was a moderately oaked wine was for me still undrinkable. The other possibility is, and it’s not as far-fetched as it might seem at first, that she literally knew NOTHING AT ALL and was just picking out the most popular bottles on the list and keeping her fingers crossed…which bring us back to my first prescription: if you think you understand and can handle the question, be honest in your answer. If you don’t and can’t, get someone who does and can, or just apologize and say that you just don’t know.

Another big pet peeve I have regarding wine service is the refilling of glasses. On the initial cork-pulling go around, I have no problem with the sommelier/server pouring out a half a glass or so for everyone who wants a glass, but for me, pouring any more wine into any glass after this initial round is obtrusive and presumtuous. Another little example…Those who only want to have, or are only allowed to have one glass of wine per meal, are often forced to tell the server/sommelier “no” during this “refill round”, or if they’re not paying attention, or are a bit meek, are then forced to find a way to fob off this unwanted glass of wine onto someone else at the table, or just leave it to be drunk by the kitchen sink. Refilling can also reward the “guzzler(s)” (often that is me!) at the table. These folks drink wine at speeds many times that of other drinkers, and are often found toying with an empty glass, so when the server/somm. comes around, this glugger gets a full second glass before most have even put a dent in their first. This clearly puts the slower drinkers in an awkward position - either keep up, or miss out on the fair share of the bottle that he or she is helping to pay for…In addition, the refilling of glasses is clearly done to deplete the current bottle as fast as possible to encourage the sale of another bottle or two from the list. In full wine service restaurants, this is good for business and quite understandable, but still can put the host or “wine guy” at the table in a funny spot, especially if the check is set to be split - does everyone REALLY want more wine, or are they just saying that they do so that they don’t look cheap…you can see the social snags…

The last MAJOR turn-off for me in wine service is the very prententious “magician” service technique in which every wine-service accoutrement, needed or not, is brought out to the table. The sommelier, often assisted by several acolytes and minions of varying size and stripe juggle stemware, decanters, corkscrews, tastevins, and tea towels as they set about cutting foils, setting up ice buckets, presenting corks (why?) and priming glasses (”washing” all glasses concerned with a small amont of the wine ordered). These little bits of wine service theater might make some feel important, but for those who are regular wine drinkers, the whole thing is just a bit silly and embarassing - like having to dance with the belly dancer at the otherwise very enjoyable Greek restaurant you frequent…

For me, wine service is one of the best times to employ the old prescriptive acronym K.I.S.S. (Keep it simple stupid, by the way, NOT Kids in Service of Satan) - As the server do what you MUST: present the list, answer questions, present the bottle and open it discreetly, pour the wine for those who want some, AND THEN GET THE HELL OUT OF THE WAY UNTIL YOU’RE ADDRESSED WITH ANOTHER QUESTION, ASKED FOR A FURTHER BIT OF ADVICE, OR ASKED TO DO SOMETHING ELSE! - wine already has enough pretentions and inconspicuous conventions…

I’ve found that wine service preferences are highly personal ones - What makes wine service a dream or a nightmare for you?

TOM CIOCCO